can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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