Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
