Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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