i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
