dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
