I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
