I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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