hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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