The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
