If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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