you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
