You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
