every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
