Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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