I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
3pm strippers are depressing
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
