Don't make out with my wife yet
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I AM VODKA MAN
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
