I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
