Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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