She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
