Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
