You're my little dorito
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
