So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
