I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize