I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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