Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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