I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
