ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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