my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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