watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
