I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
