im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
