This is not my ceiling
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
