Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
