Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You are the jesus of drinking
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
