glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
