i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need to calm my uterus...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
