My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
