Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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