I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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