I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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