I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize