Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
