Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
