some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
