I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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