if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
