I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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