if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
