I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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