Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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