I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
no you cant smoke seaweed
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
