The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
