On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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