I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
