Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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