remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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