and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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