His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Floor bacon is actually really good
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
