Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
