The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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