he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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