Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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