We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
whose parrot is this?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
