just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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