mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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