Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
